In my teens I wanted a marriage and a baby thinking they would fill a huge hole in my heart from having a crappy life thus far. It would get me away from home where I did not want to be. Anyone giving me any attention held my radar until I muzzled them and tied them down with a ball and chain. I even got pregnant to keep him obligated and make him find a good job to support us, because we all know how that works. I wanted a night in Shiny Armor to take me away from my home state of muggy Florida to any place cooler and any place less dysfunctional than where I was living. ( Be careful what you ask for).
After 12 years of being single again, I felt I wanted some companionship so I started looking online. I was in a marriage of 20 years before I finally decided to get a divorce and remained single, thinking I would never marry again. Just having a warm body next to you or living under the same roof, does not equate for happiness and companionship. They all start out wonderful, which is why we fall in love, right? But had I taken the time to learn more about me and what I wanted and needed, things may have been different.
In my teens I wanted a husband and a baby thinking they would fill a huge hole in my heart from having a crappy life thus far. It would get me away from home where I did not want to be anymore. Anyone giving me any attention held my radar until I muzzled them and tied them down with a ball and chain. I even got pregnant to keep him obligated and make him find a good job to support us, because we all know how that works. I wanted a night in Shiny Armor to take me away from my home state of muggy Florida to any place cooler, and any place less dysfunctional than where I was living. ( Be careful what you ask for).
Six months in the winter-time living in the mountains of New Hampshire with my new in-laws, no job and no money was not making me any happier. Living “on love” just wasn’t cutting it. Six months later, I was right back home where I started feeling as hopeless as ever, which empowered me to get back out there on the hunt again.
How many of us continue to repeat this cycle? How many men have we had children by hoping to tie this guy down and make us happy? Oh, and men do this too. They continue to marry the same exact woman as the Ex but she looks a little different is all. I have counseled men about this and they just don’t see it until I point out all the character traits from the last one. He or she may not manipulate the same, but they still know how to manipulate you. How many times do we repeat the cycle until we get that it’s not working? Nowadays it seems society doesn’t bother to marry anymore, they just keep having babies by different daddy’s.
My own experiences with online dating usually ended poorly. I wasn’t being any more authentic than the person on the other end of the computer. It was not until I got my act together that I made a much better choice in my partner and I DID NOT find him online. I have watched my single males and females be the sweetest human beings on the planet when they wanted something. Just ask the kids how sweet they really are. That’s how you find someone special. If they are a good parent who remains close to their children, oftentimes they are good people. Not perfect, but good on the inside. I can live with that.
Before we can figure out what we want in a partner, we have to figure out what we have to offer a partner. What do we bring to the table? To find Mr Right we need to be working on being Ms Right. People spend a lifetime searching for happiness and looking for love because they have not experienced it for themself. We are told in the Good book to love others as we love ourselves, meaning we have to love who we are first before we can truly love someone else.
My little codependent partners that I counsel rely on the other person to meet all their needs and to make them happy. It doesn’t work that way, you just continue to chase an Idle dream, hoping it will get better next time.
Take some time to look within yourself and become the person you hope to attract someday. What kind of person would that be? Brainstorm about why you want a certain kind of person and ask yourself why you think this person would or could be an extention of yourself? How would you compliment one another (maybe he cooks and you keep a nice house), but both of you are awesome people and willing to work together as a team.
In my next post, I will share some stories of people who needed some direction about what they wanted in a partner as well as offer up some ideas on how you might find the right partner by asking the right questions.
Until next time, Keep searching.